Talking about death with your parents is a conversation everyone dreads. Yet, as a recent BBC story begins:
“Talking about death with your parents is a conversation everyone dreads, but my mum Patsy wanted that chat with me – and learning what she wants to happen to her body after she’s gone came as a shock.”
That moment — the surprise, the pause, the uneasy laugh — says so much about how we deal with mortality. Most of us mean to talk about it “one day,” when it feels less awkward. But that day rarely comes. We find a hundred reasons to delay, until the chance is gone.
At Very Important Notes, we believe in the power of a few honest words — written down, shared, kept safe — to spare the people we love from confusion or regret. Because when it comes to end-of-life wishes, silence isn’t kindness. Clarity is.
When silence hurts more than it helps
In the BBC piece, the writer admits her mum’s choices were not what she expected — a reminder that even those closest to us can hold quiet convictions. Without that conversation, her daughter might never have known.
Across countless families, that’s the hidden heartbreak: a parent dies and loved ones are left guessing. Burial or cremation? Music or readings? Don’t spend too much? Scatter me by the sea? Each uncertainty becomes another decision made through tears.
We tend to imagine that avoiding the subject protects others. In truth, it leaves them with a burden. A short talk — or even better, a written note — can be the difference between second-guessing and peace of mind.
Turning awkward into honest
It’s rarely an easy topic. You can feel the air thicken as soon as the words “after I’m gone” appear. But there are ways to start gently.
You might open the door with something like:
“I read this story about a woman called Patsy who told her daughter what she wanted for her body after she died. It made me realise I’ve never asked you — what would you want?”
Simple, human, caring.
You’re not talking about death — you’re talking about love, about lifting a weight. About making sure your voice is heard even when you can’t speak.
A “Very Important Note” is more than a plan — it’s a kindness
That’s where a written note comes in. Not a formal Will or a legal document (though those matter too), but a personal message in your own words: what you’d like to happen, what you’d want people to know, and perhaps most importantly, why.
It might be:
- “Please play that silly jazz record I loved at my funeral.”
- “I want my ashes scattered in Cornwall — the cliffs at Polzeath, if you can.”
- “If there’s a choice, donate my organs. I’d like to help someone else carry on.”
- “Keep the little painting. It was the first thing I bought with my own money.”
These aren’t just instructions; they’re memories preserved through intention. A “very important note” transforms what could be administrative chaos into a final act of care.
When you don’t know where to begin
Start small.
- Write one sentence. It could be “When I die, I’d like my funeral to feel lighthearted” or “Please tell my sister she can choose the flowers.”
- Add context. Explain why those things matter to you.
- Keep it where someone will find it. Tell at least one person where it’s kept, or upload it securely online.
- Revisit when life changes. A note can evolve, just as we do.
If you prefer, use prompts — VIN was designed to help people find the right words at life’s most important moments. The process can be surprisingly comforting, even uplifting.
For parents, partners, and children alike
We often assume older generations should start the conversation. But it can just as easily come from an adult child, a partner, or a close friend. You might be the one to say, “Mum, I’d like to know your wishes.” Or you might leave your own note to make things easier for them someday.
These are not conversations about endings. They’re about preparation, love, and respect. They’re about protecting the people who will one day protect your memory.
Why it matters now more than ever
Modern life complicates everything.
We have blended families, digital legacies, property in different places, and social media accounts that outlive us. Even funerals can be streamed worldwide. All these details need decisions — and those decisions need to come from us, not from guesswork.
A short letter, card, or secure digital note can save endless distress later. It’s a small act with a huge emotional return.
A conversation that changes everything
In the BBC story, once the initial shock passed, something else happened: understanding. The daughter could finally see her mum not just as “Mum,” but as a woman with her own beliefs, boundaries, and wishes. That shift — from surprise to respect — is what honest conversation brings.
So let this be your sign to start. Write your note. Ask the question. Tell the story. You might be surprised by the warmth that follows.
Because when it comes to love, clarity isn’t cold — it’s kind.
And that’s why, when the time comes, a few simple words left behind can mean more than a thousand unsaid goodbyes.
