My best friend died recently.
I was sad to go to her funeral, of course.
But I was even sadder when I heard the eulogy.
I didn’t recognise the words being used to describe her.
They weren’t unkind, but they felt like the sort of compliments you give to someone who did a good job at work, not someone you truly knew.
Her death was sudden.
There was no time to prepare.
Her husband and family were in shock, still trying to understand what had happened, let alone find the words to speak about her life.
So the eulogy was passed to a good friend. A kind man. Someone who meant well.
But he was a good friend of her husband, not of her.
He only knew what he had been told in the days before.
Facts. Dates. Surface details.
What he didn’t know was the woman her friends knew.
The warmth.
The humour.
The quiet generosity.
The way she made people feel.
Those of us who loved her felt it immediately.
This wasn’t wrong.
But it wasn’t her.
It reminded me of the story of Mak and I wondered what was said for him see: https://veryimportantnotes.com/about/ – The Story of Mak
What a eulogy is, and why it’s so hard
A eulogy is the words spoken at a funeral to remember someone’s life.
It tries to capture who a person was, what mattered to them, and how they lived, often in just a few minutes.
It is an almost impossible task.
A long life holds thousands of moments.
Relationships layered over years.
Small kindnesses that never made it into stories.
Private struggles. Quiet joys.
When a death is sudden and grief is raw, remembering clearly becomes even harder.
Memory narrows.
Time compresses.
What is said is often what is easiest to reach, not what mattered most.
And no one is to blame for that.
When someone dies suddenly, the people closest to them may be asked to explain a life at a moment when thinking clearly feels impossible.
A short note can be a quiet guide.
Not a script.
Just a reminder of who you were, in your own words.
It’s a kindness to the people who love you.
Most of us hope that, when the time comes, people will remember us kindly.
But hope is not the same as clarity.
This experience made me realise how easily the truth of a person can be lost, even when everyone is doing their best.
You don’t have to write a eulogy, just leave a few notes
This isn’t about writing something grand or planning a farewell.
None of us know when our time will come, or who might one day be asked to speak about us.
But a few notes could help.
Just a page.
A list.
Enough to give shape to a life.
Especially for someone who may not have known you in every chapter.
You might include:
- What you were proud of, even if you never said it out loud
- The parts of your life that brought you the most joy
- The people and places that mattered most to you
- The things you cared about deeply
- The sides of you others may not have seen
- The threads that ran through decades, families, or different lives, and quietly shaped who you became
It doesn’t need to cover everything.
Just the things you wouldn’t want missed.
For one day, not today
Some notes aren’t for now.
They’re not urgent, and they don’t need to be shared.
They’re for one day, not today.
This might be a few thoughts about your life.
What mattered most to you.
What you hope people remember, if someone ever needs to speak about you.
It isn’t about planning a farewell.
It’s about leaving a clearer picture behind.
A gift for the people you leave behind
When someone dies, the people closest to them are often asked to explain a life while they are still in shock.
They do their best.
But grief is loud.
Memory can become unreliable.
Sometimes a life has been long, and many family and friends have already gone.
It may fall to a neighbour, a friend, or a celebrant to find the words, often with very little to go on.
A note like this isn’t morbid.
It’s kind.
It gives the people left behind a steadier place to stand.
A clearer sense of who you were, in your own words.
Again refer to story of Mak – I often wonder what was said here…
This can live quietly, until it’s needed
A note like this doesn’t need to be shared now.
It doesn’t need to be finished.
It can sit safely alongside your important papers, your wishes, or your private notes.
You can change it.
Add to it.
Rewrite it over time.
It isn’t about control.
It’s about being known.
Why this belongs with your Very Important Notes
Very Important Notes isn’t just about documents.
It’s about leaving clarity, kindness, and truth behind.
Some notes are for right now.
Some are for the future.
For one day, not today is a place for the latter.
A space to leave clarity, truth, and a little kindness behind.
Because being known matters.
